


Heaven Sent

by aMUSEment345



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Family, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 05:11:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One shot. Loose post-ep for 10X23, The Hunt.  JJ shares some news with Reid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven Sent

**Heaven Sent**

"JJ!" He hurried after her, concerned that she'd gone right by him, without even noticing. As before, she'd been holed up in the bathroom for almost twenty minutes, and he was worried about what it might mean. Especially after he'd seen her running from her desk...which sported a sleeve of saltines on its surface. Reid's long stride caught him up quickly, and he reached out to touch her arm. "JJ?"

She whirled on him, and he was briefly afraid he'd angered her somehow. Like he'd done the last time he'd expressed his concern, when her pain had made her lash out. But there was no anger on her face this time. Nor in her eyes.

JJ looked up at him, staring at him, conveying the news with all the power those deep blue eyes could muster. It still took him a few seconds. Getting lost in her eyes always did that to him. But he found himself, soon enough, and then absorbed her message.

"JJ, are you…"

_I don't know how there's enough liquid left in me,_ she thought _._ But, there was, and it was exiting through her eyes. She smiled at him through her tears.

She nodded. "Yes."

He was nearly as dumbstruck as he'd been when she'd told him about the miscarriage. "I...Wow! Congratulations! That's wonderful!"

Drawing her into an embrace. But, as he released her, he caught the not-quite-hidden crumble of her smile. "Isn't it?"

Suddenly all of her energy was consumed in trying not to cry. She couldn't answer him. _Damn hormones!_

"JJ?" He bent his head to her. "Isn't this a good thing?"

She nodded, still not trusting her voice. The fact of which spoke more loudly to him than if she _had_ vocalized. _Something_ was wrong. Was it the baby?

Reid took her arm and ushered her over to a small bench. "Tell me. Why is it not? Why are you unhappy?"

Now she shook her head back and forth. "It's not….I _am_ happy. It _is_ a good thing. I…we….we've wanted this for a long time. Ever since..."

_Oh._ Reid closed his eyes, annoyed at not having understood. _Of course._

"You're thinking about the baby you lost."

Nodding again. "I can't think about anything else. I keep having these images of her face…her baby face, her six-year-old face, her teenage face… she's with me all the time."

Reid was at a loss, berating himself in the moment. Here was his best friend, one of the few people in the world who truly mattered in his life….and he hadn't a clue what to do for her.

_If it can't be answered with statistics, I'm useless. If I can't quote some obscure author, or come up with a string of little known facts, I'm rendered speechless._

He deduced she was still haunted by the miscarriage, still feeling guilt over having been in a war zone while she was pregnant, even if she'd only just learned she was pregnant while in that war zone. Since the day she'd exploded at him, the day she'd tried to wound him with the news of her own, still-gaping wound, it had been there, between them. Purposely.

' _This stays between us_ ,' she'd said. And, wanting nothing more than to appease her in the moment, he'd agreed.

They hadn't spoken of it since that day. He'd assumed she'd brought it up in therapy. It had been worth being on the receiving end of her lashing out, if only for that, for the fact of her finally having sought counseling about the whole ordeal. _Both_ ordeals. But now he had to wonder if she'd shared everything. He wondered if she'd ever talked about that paradoxically gargantuan, yet pea-sized ordeal that had once been nestled within.

Lacking a response, he did the next best thing. Maybe the first best. He listened.

And JJ filled the space. "When it started, I thought I was going crazy. Like…. _really_ crazy. I blamed it on the hormones, but…"

That brought an interruption from Reid. "JJ, how long have you known?"

She shrugged. "A few weeks. It was early, and,…..I guess I just wasn't ready to share it."

"You don't have to explain anything. It was your decision to make."

She smiled at him. _My ever understanding, constant friend. Always on my side._

JJ touched Reid's cheek. "Well, I'm glad I've told you. I wanted you to know."

He held her hand there for a second, and then squeezed it, bringing it back to his knee.

"I'm glad you told me, too. And I'm happy for you." He leaned in and brushed her cheek with his lips.

"Thanks." The sad smile again. "So, what do I do? I can't shake the visions, and I feel guilty for even wanting to."

He started to shrug his inability to help her when a thought occurred to him. Whether or not he'd actually prayed for guidance, he couldn't know. He could only be thankful that some seemed to be forthcoming.

"Let me ask you this: The baby you lost...do you remember when you were still pregnant with her?"

"Of course."

"Well….did you feel her _then_? Did you feel a relationship with her? I mean, you weren't even far enough along to be sure she _was_ a 'her', were you?"

A regretful shake of her head. "But I knew anyway. Maybe I just wanted it to be a girl. But it felt like more than that. It felt _real_. Like I _knew_."

"Maybe it _was_ real." He'd said it so softly that she'd had to look up at him, to be sure he was speaking to her. It had that sound that he so often got when his mind was in the midst of solving a puzzle. But, this time, the puzzle was hers.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean….well, you know I've still been reading philosophy….some theology, too." His mind working through the idea even as he was speaking.

JJ smiled. He'd already gotten his degree, yet he continued to devour the heavy tomes as though they were gourmet meals _. And all I've read lately is 'The Foot Book'._

"And…" she prompted him.

"And it makes me wonder. Maybe you _did_ have a connection with her. Maybe you still do."

She was intrigued….. and she yearned for the comfort such an idea might bring. "Tell me?"

"One of the things I've learned from _all_ of my studies is that there is an infinite number of things we don't understand. Even with the hard sciences, even with math. You'd think numbers would be pretty objective and explainable, wouldn't you? But we don't quite understand them. They're beyond us. And it turns out that the thing we understand least...the area that's _most_ beyond us...is each other. Humans. What bonds us to each other. Even when we live them, we don't _really_ understand human connections….like who we are to one another, and _when_ those connections happen, and _how_ they happen. We don't know if it's chemical, or genetic, or if maybe the answer is in metaphysics. All of which, as you won't be surprised to hear, makes me a little crazy."

She smiled again, as he went on. "I mean, I like to _know_ things, right? But, somehow, I'm okay with it. I'm okay with having to wonder. Because ignorance leaves _all_ of the possibilities on the table. So, maybe you and she _did_ connect. Maybe she _did_ know you. Maybe she _does_ know you. Maybe she's telling you it's all right. You know, showing you how it would have been…"

"How it would have been if I'd taken better care of her…" No matter the loving assurance of her friend, JJ's conscience wouldn't be stilled.

He lifted her chin to force her to look at him. "How it would have been if she'd lived in _this_ world." He waited for it to sink in. "What I was going to tell you is that one of the things I've learned is that life is bigger than this. That we _do_ relate on some other level, and that we don't even have to understand how it works to do it. It just _is_."

She spent a moment taking that in. "Are you talking about heaven?" Surprised, since he'd never voiced a real belief in God.

He shrugged. "I don't know what to call it. I guess heaven is as good a word as any. I just know that it makes sense to me, in a way that I can't even quite put words to."

She snorted. "If _you_ can't put words to it, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

Reid was speaking in earnest now, not even taking the time to smile at what she'd said. "I don't know how, or why, but…..it's something I'm sure of. I don't know if it's God, or heaven, or what to call it. I just know that there's still a connection, even when someone is no longer with us."

With those words, suddenly, she understood. "Maeve?"

"For a long time after she died, I virtually ran from her. I didn't understand. I would see her in my dreams, and I was afraid. Not of her, not ever that. I don't even really know what I was afraid of. Touching eternity, maybe. But then…well, Rossi helped me see, and I gave in to it. I saw her in a dream, and I touched her. I _danced_ with her. And it was all right. It was….it was _real_ , in a way. Like she was really there. It still happens, sometimes, but not as often as before." A trace of regret in his voice.

JJ had been listening intently, waiting for him to provide her with 'the' answer. Only a little bit disappointed that he didn't seem to have it. Because she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"That's what happened with me and my sister! I used to see her all the time, when I was a kid. And then it seemed like she came less and less often."

Reid watched as an expression of wonder washed over JJ's face. "What?"

"It started again, a while back. It was after I'd lost the baby. I'd see Roz in a dream, and she was older, as though she'd grown up. But somehow I knew it was her. It was like she knew I needed her."

Reid gave a wry smile. "Maybe she _did_ know."

JJ sat back against the bench and leaned her head against the wall behind her. "I'd like to think that. I'd like to think she knows the little girl I lost. That maybe she's looking after her. That maybe I still got to share some of my life with Roz. And I'd like to think….maybe it's crazy, but….I'd like to think that she's met the baby I'm carrying now."

He went along with her train of thought, smiling. "Well, if that's how it works….then maybe she knew Henry before _he_ was born. Maybe she picked him out for you. If she did, we know she has a sense of humor."

JJ giggled as she leaned her head over and rested it on Reid's shoulder.

"I'm so glad you're his godfather. I never really paid that much attention to the word, you know? I never looked at it literally. But now….. maybe you really are." She slid up, and turned on the bench to face him. "So, there's something I'd like to ask you."

He wasn't sure he was up for more heavy philosophical insight, but it was _JJ_. He _couldn't_ say 'no'.

"What is it?"

"Would you do the honors again? Would you be godfather to my baby?"

For a moment, he was speechless, touched in the deepest way. When he recovered, it was with a question. "But….JJ, I always thought you asked me the first time because you felt bad for me. It was a tough time and I probably looked like I'd lost a war when I showed up to your hospital room. You don't have to do it again."

She was a little annoyed at that. "I may not have examined the title in detail, but I did take it seriously then, as I do now. Your appearance had nothing to do with it. And it doesn't now, either."

"Why, then?"

"Because I wanted the best for Henry. And, at the time, I didn't know a better man." She squeezed his hand again. "Still don't."

He may not have had words for it, but Reid recognized _this_ human bond. The woman beside him had taken him into her heart, and made him a permanent part of her family by trusting him to love her children just as she did. It was so unique in his life, and he treasured it. He had to swallow before he could speak again.

"Then I'd be honored. And, JJ….you know I take this absolutely seriously. I love Henry like…."

He'd almost said, 'like he was my own', but that wouldn't be right. The boy had a father.

"….like he's the most precious thing in my life. But,…." he smiled, "I think I can make room in here for one more." Patting his chest.

She grinned back at him. "That's a very big heart in there, my friend. It's got lots of room."

It was time to get back to work. Reid stood, and put out his hand. JJ took it and let him pull her up.

"You know," he said, as they started back, "something just occurred to me."

"What?"

"Well, it probably won't just be Rosaline picking out this one. Think about it….it's her, and your daughter, and your dad….."

JJ joined in with him. "And Maeve….oh, and Gideon!"

Not afraid to mention either to him, now. Somehow, with loss and new life intertwined, this intermingling of those who'd been and those who'd yet to be, the sweetness overpowered the bitter.

Mention of his former mentor stopped Reid in his tracks. "Gideon….you're right! You know what that means, don't you?"

They both said it, together. "Look out, world!"


End file.
